Why am I here?

Why am I here?

I applied to this program and was accepted at this time 3 years ago. This was all I wanted, all I needed. I wanted to go into Jewish education.

A year of teaching, a year in Israel – and some depression later, I’m questioning it all. Is this where I belong? What should I be doing with my life? What’s my purpose (to quote Avenue Q)?
I had a bit of a wake up call in the past few weeks. Some butts got kicked, some threats were issued, some realizations were made.

I love this stuff.

I love watching my first and second graders become one with the Hebrew letters. I love when then understand the sound the letter makes, words that start with the letter, and I love watching them understand what those letters are in the Debbie Friedman aleph bet song.
I love understanding things at my internship – realizing why the Exec Director does what she does how she does – which frames she uses to assert her leadership and ensure the survival of the organization.
I thrive on the education I am receiving.
So why did I slack?

Because it’s me
Because, as my mom says, I can never do something the first time.
Because I have to be a fuck up, sometimes.
Because I have to challenge the system.
Because I am the student that they teach us how to deal with – because I like to question it.

But when I was reading Mishnah today over a hazelnut latte in Borders and I got to the Four Questions – when I realized where they came from and began to understand the “Seder” of our seder - shit, wow, bang.

I love Judaism.
I love what I’m learning.
And I love teaching it to other people.

So hell – I’ll do this program. I’ll rock this program. And I’ll make them all proud – so we can smile at the turn around I am going to do.

And maybe at the end we’ll all laugh, grin, smirk.
But regardless we’ll smile when I walk down those stone steps of Old West (wait, wrong school!)

That’s a half assed update on my life – not giving full details to those who don’t deserve it – but letting everyone see that the passion is back –not being hidden behind a mask or another person. I’m here for a reason, and I’m gonna fulfill that reason.

Watch out – I may start liking LA.