Always Online

I'm sure many of you have noticed, I am always online.
I've been thinking about it a lot - why?
Why do I keep myself constantly connected?
There have been a few times in the past weeks that I've closed my computer, turned off my cell phone, and vanished.
But rarely.
I open my computer and gchat and AIM both automatically open.
I go directly to my email, see who needs me. I check Asher's blog, look at a few other blogs - old friends, classmates, people i dont know who have interesting things to say.

What's this need for connection?

Well that answers it. My dislike for this place leaves me wanting - to connect with the east coast. And so I always leave myself open for it. I know the 9 pm here means most people on "my coast" are no longer accessible. It's one of my down points of each night - i try to make sure to miss it.

Who do I want to connect with? Anyone, everyone. It keeps the connection alive. I know there's some part of me that's always hoping to hear from Karen - not sure what I would want - but what if she needs me? There's still that element that I like to be a good friend.

I've become really good friends with someone via IM since we got back from Israel. We have somewhat personal conversations, challenge each other on ideas, and comfort each other in our need for the east coast (NJite). It's what I've come to refer to as a "screen name relationship." I mean, we see each other almost every day at school - but we dont really know how to act with each other - we know each other on IM.

What's my point of this post?
To validate my decision.
It's ok to be online all the time.
Most people keep their cell phones on all the time.
This is my convenient cell phone.
I get to hear that my sister loves me
my mom too
how my puppy is doing
and everything else that matters.

Sure, i could pick up the phone, but why?

too neat

i just realized that the first initial of the first name of each of my pets - put in order from youngest to oldest is

S A F

SHARON ALISE!!!!

amazing

11 pm here, couldnt sleep
9 am in israel - called michele :)
my cell to her cell - worlds apart.
i LOVE technology.

Why am I here?

Why am I here?

I applied to this program and was accepted at this time 3 years ago. This was all I wanted, all I needed. I wanted to go into Jewish education.

A year of teaching, a year in Israel – and some depression later, I’m questioning it all. Is this where I belong? What should I be doing with my life? What’s my purpose (to quote Avenue Q)?
I had a bit of a wake up call in the past few weeks. Some butts got kicked, some threats were issued, some realizations were made.

I love this stuff.

I love watching my first and second graders become one with the Hebrew letters. I love when then understand the sound the letter makes, words that start with the letter, and I love watching them understand what those letters are in the Debbie Friedman aleph bet song.
I love understanding things at my internship – realizing why the Exec Director does what she does how she does – which frames she uses to assert her leadership and ensure the survival of the organization.
I thrive on the education I am receiving.
So why did I slack?

Because it’s me
Because, as my mom says, I can never do something the first time.
Because I have to be a fuck up, sometimes.
Because I have to challenge the system.
Because I am the student that they teach us how to deal with – because I like to question it.

But when I was reading Mishnah today over a hazelnut latte in Borders and I got to the Four Questions – when I realized where they came from and began to understand the “Seder” of our seder - shit, wow, bang.

I love Judaism.
I love what I’m learning.
And I love teaching it to other people.

So hell – I’ll do this program. I’ll rock this program. And I’ll make them all proud – so we can smile at the turn around I am going to do.

And maybe at the end we’ll all laugh, grin, smirk.
But regardless we’ll smile when I walk down those stone steps of Old West (wait, wrong school!)

That’s a half assed update on my life – not giving full details to those who don’t deserve it – but letting everyone see that the passion is back –not being hidden behind a mask or another person. I’m here for a reason, and I’m gonna fulfill that reason.

Watch out – I may start liking LA.

fascinating

i can drink a medium latte (mom - that's steamed non fat milk with a couple of shots of espresso) from coffee bean and be both tired and wired/twitchy.

amazing.

important news

the new meat cd came out - and it's not too bad.

additionally, the lizard has a name - Shimshon Skipper Fraade

Shimshon is the hebrew name of samson - the guy in the bible who cant get his hair cut off -- lizard cant get his tail cut off.

skipper cuz robyn recommened it and i liked it...and it brings in the LA water ocean like theme.

and fraade cuz that's my last name. and he's my baby.

Asher, Fizzy, Shimshon.
Next child wont be for awhile - ill get asher a cat when we move someplace together - so he has a playmate.

Shmerk Shmethics

sometimes i sit at my desk in my office and think to myself, fuck i hate work.
it's not actually work i hate though. it's sitting in this awful chair, at this horrible PC, with a pathetic blinky screen, and not having other people around.
dont get me wrong, people walk by all the time. i am, of course, across from two of the floors toilets. but it's just lonely back here.
this is part of why i know i cant ever have an office job.

and it's like, duh, i know i need to do work. but i dont wanna. and i can do most of it quickly if i just sit and do it. but then i wont have anything to do. so why not stalk people on friendster, why not i ask.

now, ill be honest. i also look at asher pictures. and oogle him. because he's cute. and change my wallpaper on my computer with new pictures. dont think i spend all my time on friendster.

then i check my email again, check cnn, consider nytimes, and even take a shot at jewschool.

yup.
i am a pathetic excuse for an office worker.

good thing im only here 12 hours week.

good thing i do love this job.

good thing.